omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
