i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
