you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
