Where are you?
In a non slutty way
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
