You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
