i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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