It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
