just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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