Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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