Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
