I didn't shave. On purpose
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
