I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
