Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
