I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
