ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
