i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
