Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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