I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I fill condoms, not promises.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
