If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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