If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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