is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Couch. On fire.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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