i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
