Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
