You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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