i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
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Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
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No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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