At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
