In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
