Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
