Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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