I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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