My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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