so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
