why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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