i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
