Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
