I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
