I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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