the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
