you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
