she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So much rum. So many feels.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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