Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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