I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
