I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
