She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
