Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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