Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
