my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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