so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
