I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
