y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
