i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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