Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
