I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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