This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
