It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
pop tarts are not kleenex
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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